gaining from pain..

 

at last, i awaken..

 

found my path again. Found the path which i will wanna walk on for the remain years of my life. Indeed, i lost sight of my goal for a short moment. My motivations, my drive, my own ambition, leaving behind an empty case [much like a blindfolded donkey pulling the grinder]. Pathetic eh? Sure thing sia.

 

Pain. I do not agree to the phrase of "no pain no gain", but strongly believe that we should learn to gain from pain. At times, pain is something unavoidable and well, who longs for pain? Pain from receiving bad results, one after another, and other troubled thoughts.. My instant response was a coward one; denial.

 

In hoping to protect myself and prevent myself from being squished by negative thoughts, i self-disillusioned myself with that I-can-and-will-eventually-make-it attitude, in hope that that will boost my confidence. And the answer to that is both a "yes" and a bigger "no".

 

"Yes" is due to the immediate effect, allowing myself to run off and see refuge in a world that will rid me of my negativity by just not thinking about it. Videogames [which i have quit sometime ago], excessive mangas reading and animes, and whatever there is to just stop me from thinking of those stuff which will put me down. Yet, expectedly, such pleasures are short-live and unsustainable.

 

Hence, resulted in a bigger "no". It is as though i tripped and is falling down a pit, a deep one. Well, the reason for tripping may be of many reasons to a certain extend that it is unpredictable [who does make mistakes?], the focus here is what to do upon falling into this pit. I had chosen to ignore the fact of fall and do nothing, or even, enjoying the process of falling [naming choosing to take on "fun" things to make myself not to focus on the pain]. Yet, upon contact [which will come eventually], it will hit really hard and that is when reality sets in. Perhaps, even fatal.

 

Luckily, i just managed to slap myself awake before i smash onto the floor. I cannot allow myself to fall any further. The longer i wait, the more i will have to climb to leave this pit. It is going to be hard i guess, the steep walls and sharp edges. In the process of climbing, there may be slips which will send me falling again but i must not take so long to realise the grave error of choosing to stay in ignorance.

 

A painful lesson indeed, but a meaningful one. Name it as learning how to bounce back up upon falling huh? But bouncing alone will not be able to allow one to reach same if not greater heights [physics: due to drag], hence additional driving force must be supplied [in this case, initiated]. Glad that i eventually thought through it. Kinda abrupt but aye. Perhaps it is from this pain from the enjoying the game of volleyball, coupled with the great atmosphere to think [decided not to use the term "emo" lest get flak by comments] in school alone at the sit-up bench [watching birds fly in the sky and pace on the field, and (me) feeding mosquitoes] and on the way back on bus 81, and of course not forgetting the chat with junjie during dinner which refreshed and revived my goals and ambition..

 

Thank you for all concerns and i am back.. =) felt like posting this yesterday but it was rather late le..

 

well, life is not smooth sailing.. The physical aspect of me is crumbling. Tired and worn out. Just went for a consultation with a gastric specialist today and a new appointment of a scope is made. This thursday. The day when my dad will leave for an overseas business trip and i will be the only guy of the family le. Aye, got to take up more responsibilities wo.

 

Guess the side-effects/risk of the scope is rather low but they are kinda scary: possibility of the scope piecing through the stomach [and if that happens, immediate surgery will be required], and anaesthetic allergy. In relation to the second risk, i will be required to be place under observation 2hours after the scope. X.x Which will mean that i will be in the hospital from 0830 to most probably pass lunch since it is expected for things to proceed slower than expected [rather them take longer than to poke a hole in my stomach.. =X]. Sigh. Will be missing school again. T.T That's hindering my journey out of the pit of failing!! Shall not think of that and focus on getting well [though i dont think mental focusing will allow the body to heal whatever problems with the body; but then again if i think too much and get stress, recovery will be hindered i guess (not to say a worsened pimple outbreak. LOL)].

 

had been thinking of this (structured in a gp question form):
Eternity. A curse or blessing? Discuss. 

 

=P

 

end all off with a nice [old] song.. aye.. nice lyrics too.. enjoy..

 

分裂

词：周杰伦 曲：周杰伦 编曲：钟兴民
坐着我的摩托车
载你缓缓的离开
考不上好的学校
可以不微笑就走
把手慢慢交给我
放下心中的困惑
雨点从两旁划过
割开两种精神的我
经过老伯的家
篮框变得好高
爬过的那棵树
又何时变得渺小
这样也好
开始没人注意到(你)我
等雨变强之前
我们将会分化软弱
趁时间没发觉
让我带着你离开
没有了证明
没有了空虚
基于两种立场我会罩着你
趁时间没发觉
让我带着你离开
这不是顽固
这不是逃避
没人帮着你走才快乐

 

 

... nice and emo..

 

 

~雨点从两旁划过
割开两种精神的我*